7 Ways Ministry Couples Can Nurture Their Own Marriages

Your greatest insurance for moral integrity in your ministry is a happy home life. If you’re married, you need to make sure your relationship is growing and developing. It’s just like the old saying, “The grass is not greener on that side of the fence, and the grass is not greener on this side of the fence. The grass is greener where you water it.” 

As a pastor, you face a real danger in spending so much time caring for the marriages of others that you neglect your own. Solomon wrote about this principle: “They made me caretaker of the vineyards, But I have not taken care of my own vineyard” (Song of Solomon 1:6 NASB).

If you’re involved in ministry and you’re married, it’s critical that the two of you don’t develop separate lives. Leading separate lives as a married couple always leads to problems. 

Here are seven tips to help you prevent that. 

1. Involve your mate in your ministry. Keep your spouse involved in all aspects of your ministry. For example, show your spouse your mail. For years, I photocopied my personal mail that came to the church and showed Kay every piece. I’ve never kept secrets from her. 

Louis McBurney—who ministered to pastors for many years—once said, “Resist marrying the church. That’s adultery because she’s already married.” That’s an important reminder for those of us in ministry.

2. Surround yourself with reminders of your family. I kept a drawer in my desk of family reminders. I regularly looked through them to remember what was most important to me. 

3. Keep lines of communication open. I remember reading a Christianity Today survey years ago that said almost half of ministers hardly ever discuss sexual temptation with their spouse. If you’re not keeping the lines of communication open, you’re asking for problems.

Early in my ministry, a woman wrote to me about a relationship problem. I responded back to her, and she kept writing with other problems. Eventually, she developed a dependency. Kay was the first person I told. Then I stopped writing.

Most affairs start when someone shares emotions or frustrations with another person instead of with their spouse. This usually happens because they feel they can’t openly communicate with their partner. What begins as an emotional connection often deepens through secrecy and dishonesty, eventually leading to a full-blown affair.

4. When you feel attracted or aroused by someone else, redirect your feelings towards your partner. It’s natural to occasionally find yourself drawn to other people. The key is to intentionally shift that focus back to your spouse, reinforcing your commitment.

5. Date your mate. Plan a weekly date night to boost your communication. Proverbs 13:17 reminds us, “Reliable communication permits progress” (TLB). Too many people stop dating when they get married. What you did to get married is what you must continue to do the rest of your life to stay married.

I often say it like this: If there were more courting in marriage, then there would be fewer marriages in court!

6. Make much of your marriage in public. Don’t let anyone wonder if you’re married or not. I told my congregation regularly that I was hopelessly in love with Kay. I want people to know that. I speak positively about her in front of other people. I do things like presenting her with flowers in public. I do whatever I can to build her up in front of others. 

7. Never discuss your marriage problems with anyone of the opposite sex. If you do, you’re asking for trouble. If you need to talk to someone about your marriage, make sure it’s someone of the same sex.

Like that old saying goes, the grass is greener where you water it. So, nourish your marriage and watch it grow.